And then God spoke

Wednesday night, I lead worship at our church along with Ward and the team. This is the typical scenario on Wednesdays when I'm on the team. But this week, something amazing happened to me when we were singing and leading the church body in corporate worship. Suddenly, God spoke. He spoke TO ME. It was truly amazing. See, God knows that I have been struggling with anxiety and a sense of being overwhelmed with my hectic schedule. And that's what I THOUGHT was wrong. But on that stage Wednesday night, he said to me, in a voice I feel was as loud as day, "But you're MISSING it!" And so as we sang, I'm like, uh, what? Missing WHAT? What am I missing? And God revealed to me that I have been carrying around tremendous GUILT.

Guilt.
WHO KNEW!!!

Surely, not me. I had no idea I felt guilty. I mean, looking back on it now, i realize that it's true. I feel guilty in the morning that James brings the baby to the sitter so that I can work out. (instead, I should be jumping for JOY that he does this for me!) I feel guilty that Hannah has to stay with a sitter while I go teach (instead, I should be so thankful that my FRIEND watches her and she doesn't have to go to a daycare!). I feel guilty that I'm at church on Wednesdays and Thursdays working and I dont' get to see my baby girl enough (instead, I should see how my mom, dad, aunt and sister come to help me out all the time with Hannah, and that they truly treasure this time with the baby!). Basically, I walked through life feeling guilty about basically EVERYTHING.

And then God spoke. It was a mental picture that I saw as He showed me all the guilt I've been carrying around and how USELESS this feeling is. He made me realize that I have a great life and I need to be thankful for all the blessings in my life instead of making things so difficult.

I think we all do that to some degree. We want to be married so much, then we fight and nag our spouses. We want children so badly, then when we have them, we complain about them. We have no money, so we get a job, then complain about the work conditions. We leave one church because of all the 'problems' at this church, only to go to another church with more problems than the first. And on and on the story goes. One thing I've come to realize in this season of my life is that satan, aka the "punk" will use everything and anything he can to make us miserable. If he can't steal our faith and our souls, the least he will try to do is to steal our joy. I think that's why so many christians walk around living unfulfilled lives with no light in their eye. The punk has won. I know this is what's been happening in my life, and I'm so thankful to God that he revealed this pattern to me so that I can break these bonds that the punk has put on me.

Just when you think you've lost your way, God comes in and makes sense of all the things that you couldn't fix on your own. Whoa. Ponder that.